i open the egg carton to make eggs and on the underside of the lid it says “our eggs are produced according to one of 21 systems: cage-free plus, outdoor access, pasture-raised, outdoor living, on-campus living, apartment housing, condo living, section 8, beach access, yurt living, van life, homeownership, mansion in the hills, cabin in the woods, houseboat living, compound life, yacht, superyacht, megayacht life, suburbia living, city raised, penthouse living. for more information, visit our website.”
i grab one of the four remaining eggs, crack it open and hold it over the pan. Jeff Bezos tumbles out. i watch him spread all over the pan. i fry him in olive oil and season him with Greek seasoning. i put the burner on low so he’s not too runny. i watch him closely. in a few minutes, i slide him onto a plate and bash his yolk in with a piece of buttered toast. i chew the toast. i suck at the butter. blue goo drips from my bottom lip.