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a near-death experience
NO STOP IT you yell as I pretend to throw the spider at you. I crouch down in the sand and pretend to cup it with my hands. DONT YOU DARE! IT’S PROBABLY POISONOUS! DEFINITELY poisonous, I say, look at it’s red butt. Just like a Black Widow. I grab your arm as you’re tying…
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Valentine’s Day 2024
you, holding a balloon and a bottle of brandy: “see what i got you? wow, such a good girlfriend.” me: “such a good girlfriend. amazing thank you.” you, upstairs as i give you the orchids and Reese’s: “aw that’s nice. i was hoping you wouldn’t get me anything so i could rub it in your…
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honest review of making an egg sandwich while you use the bathroom 2/27
you said you want an egg sandwich so i go to make you an egg sandwich, pulling out the only clean pan and imagining myself in front of a big flat top, slinging eggs across it like a skilled diner cook. i light the stove, put the pan on it, and still smell whatever it…